As this beautiful meme puts it, this week's episode features "the worse trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever."

Let's dive in (I know I'm like two days late but I don't have cable I'm sorry).

Two-on-One - MJ & Jessenia

We resume this week's episode with MJ screaming at Jessenia during their two-on-one.

Every time I get in an argument I end up crying, so I don't know how Jessenia keeps her cool, but she does. She must have been on the debate team in high school.

Her skills pay off, because Matt sees through MJ's "peace and harmony" crap and sends her home.

Just like Queen Victoria, she starts throwing a temper tantrum about it...kind of proving Jessenia's entire point. Check mate.

Rose Ceremony

Matt cancels the cocktail party and goes straight to the rose ceremony, causing new girl Ryan to have a legit mental breakdown.

Unfortunately for her, she goes home, along with Magi and Brittany.

Katie vs. Serena C. 

Serena C., one of the last mean girls in the house, pulls Katie aside and tries to blame her for getting all the toxic girls sent home. Um, Serena, you could have all just been good people??

Katie is having none of it and shuts her right down. Serena even tries to b*tch to the other girls about it, but they all side with Katie, giving us a moment of sweet relief from her monotone robot voice.

One-on-One - Pieper

Pieper finally gets her one-on-one, and Matt takes her to a carnival that is 1,000 times better than the one on Tayshia's season. The producers have really upped their quarantine game.

At dinner, Pieper shares a really sad story about how her parents never express their love for her, leaving her unable to be vulnerable. At least she's self-aware.

Matt gives her the rose, and the two enjoy an awkward private concert. Matt seems more into the singer than Pieper though, so I don't think this one is going to last.

Group Date - Bowling

Matt decides to take the girls bowling, and I think this is actually a really fun date (even as I live in the shadow of my father's former professional bowling career).

Of course, Chris Harrison has to ruin everything and announces that the losing team doesn't get to spend the night with Matt.

But then, just as the losing team walks all the way back to the house, Matt invites them back on the date. How will I ever recover from this shocking twist?

The winning team is not happy about this change, especially Chelsea, who is getting pretty upset about not getting time with Matt. To make things worse, he gives the rose to Michelle, and kisses Serena P. with his eyes open.

One-on-One - Katie

Matt and Katie decide to have some fun on their one-on-one by playing a prank on Matt's best friend, and one of my favorite members of Bachelor Nation, Tyler C.

Both of them clearly know how to have a good time, but the "just friends" vibes are strong with this one.

Unfortunately, I was right, because just as Katie opens up about how she could see a future with Matt, he tells her that he doesn't really have feelings for her and sends her home.

I am sad to see Katie go. She was really the only sane one on this season. Katie for Bachelorette!

The Return of Heather

Because the producers can't let anyone on this show be happy, they send Heather, aka "Never Been Kissed" from Colton's season, into the house to ruin everything.

She made an appearance earlier in the episode, when she "surprised" Chris Harrison and asked for her chance to win Matt's heart.

After being forcing us watch her cringe-worthy quarantine vlog, the producers finally allow her in the house, and she makes her entrance by stealing Matt away from Pieper.

Instead of reassuring Pieper in any way whatsoever, Matt starts laughing hysterically and goes to talk to Heather.

But do we get to see the results of this conversation? No, of course we don't.

Quotes of the Night

  • "I had a weak b*tch moment but I'm back."
  • "Katie was the one who had the cactus-sized v*brator when she got out of the limo."
  • "Just torturing my best friend was incredible."

Let's see how Heather ruins everything next week! Until then.

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