I still haven't recovered from The Bachelorette finale, but yet, here we are. It's season 25 of The Bachelor, and our frontman is an extremely tall newcomer named Matt James, best known for his work with inner-city kids and his friendship with Tyler Cameron. 

Honestly, I'm just glad I don't have to look at Nick Viall's face again. Let's get started (I know I'm like two days late but I don't have cable I'm sorry).

Meeting the Women

The show has upgraded its quarantine locale from a crappy hotel to a luxurious chateau. Poor Tayshia, the producers did her dirty.

Matt is visibly nervous when meeting the women, and I don't know why because they're all really boring so far. Seriously, I barely remember any of their introductions.

However, there are a few honorable mentions:

  • Girl who showed up wearing giant fake goat feet.
  • Girl who showed up in her literal underwear. 
  • Girl who rolled up on an actual throne (I hate her already).

And...the girl who brought Matt a sparkly, uh, special toy. Is it used? We don't know. Help.

Cocktail Party

Matt decides to start the cocktail party off with a prayer, causing all of the women to swoon uncontrollably (even though I have a hard time believing the toy and underwear girls are super religious).

The drama starts when throne girl, who is named Victoria, gets absolutely sloshed and won't stop referring to herself as "the queen."

Thankfully, she is cut off by toy girl, aka Katie, who pops in to tell Matt that she has named the toy after him. How sweet.

Chris Harrison brings in the First Impression Rose, and all of these random women whose names I don't know start freaking out about how they're not getting enough time with Matt.

Victoria tells them they should just go talk to him, and they all get pissed at her for it. I mean, she's annoying, but...she's right?! I sense a season villain on the rise.

But Matt has some sense, and gives the first rose (and the first kiss) to Abigail, a 25-year-old from Oregon who is making history as the first deaf contestant on the show.

Rose Ceremony

The producers kick off the rose ceremony by putting two women who are wearing the same dress next to each other. Pure evil.

They also force him to keep Victoria, who Matt very reluctantly gives his last rose to. Alicia, Amber, Carolyn, Casandra, Corrine, Emani, Kimberly and Saneh are sent home (I had to Google that).

Quotes of the Night:

  • "I wanna come across like I have it all together but I really don't."
  • "There's lingerie and sexy dresses and I'm in goat feet."
  • "It was never on my bucket list to boop a pageant queen on her shoulder with a d*ldo."

Get your box wine ready, because Never-Been-Kissed Heather from like five years ago comes back this season. Until next time, Bachelor Nation.

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