I don't even know how to intro this week because it might have actually been one of the most dramatic episodes ever. Okay, not really, but I've got to give it to Chris Harrison here — I was thoroughly entertained (I know I'm like two days late but I don't have cable I'm sorry).

Rose Ceremony

We pick up at last week's rose ceremony. If you don't remember, it got put on hold because Sarah "fainted." I put it in quotes because after recovering alone with Matt she is suddenly fine.

Unfortunately for Marylynn, her beef with Victoria does not end well, and Matt sends her home. I knew the producers wouldn't let Victoria go.

However, things are looking up for the Queen, because the other women are just as skeptical about Sarah's fainting as I was, and they all hate her now instead.

Group Date - 50 Shades of The Bachelor

Chris Harrison sets the scene by letting everyone know that this group date will be extremely uncomfortable. And boy, he was not wrong.

I guess Chris wrote an erotica novel (??) and now the women have to write their own dirty short story...and perform it in front of Matt and the rest of the house.

I will save you the trauma of reading what they wrote, but I promise you, I was more uncomfortable watching this alone than I was watching Love Actually with my grandma (which was very uncomfortable).

Sarah is also uncomfortable, because apparently it didn't really hit her that her boyfriend would be dating other women until just now.

Post Group Date

Instead of putting her big girl pants on and getting over it, Sarah decides to interrupt the other women's group date for "just five minutes" with Matt. Instead of respecting the other women's time, he obliges. We literally just went through this crap with Clare and Dale (they broke up, by the way).

Katie tries to get her time back twice and Sarah still won't leave. After she finally gives in, Sarah decides to take up more of the women's time by apologizing to them for taking up their time.

They don't accept, and she runs away crying. Then, Matt makes it even worse by ending the group date early. Rachel (who I forgot to mention because her talk with Matt was boring) gets the Group Date Rose.

One-on-One - Serena P. 

Matt goes to pick up Serena P. for their one-on-one when he notices that Sarah isn't there, so of course he has to go talk to her again.

She tells him that she's thinking of leaving the show, and he says that he'll spend time alone with her everyday if that's what makes her stay. She really is the new Dale, ugh.

Matt returns from making out with Sarah and tries to pretend that the other women aren't mentally planning her murder right now. Okay Serena P., time to go horseback riding!

After riding horses, they have a cute little picnic on a farm, and at dinner, Serena P. reveals that she's falling "in like" with Matt. She seems to actually understand that you can't fall in love with someone after spending one day with them.

I like her. She gets the rose.

Mean Girls: Bachelor Edition

Back at the house, Sarah is hiding out in her room, and the other women are pissed. She finally comes down to apologize and the women start straight-up bullying her.

Some of them make valid points, but most of it (especially from Victoria) is just really mean. Like okay, what she did wasn't cool, but no need to verbally assault her.

Even Katie thinks that it's too much, and she goes to talk to Sarah after she runs away crying. Katie learns that Sarah's dad possibly only has weeks to live, and shares that her dad passed away when she was younger.

She tells Sarah she needs to go home and be with her dad, but like, not in a self-serving way. It's really sweet, and a nice change of pace to see people being genuinely nice to each other on the show.

Later, Katie tells the other women that they need to class it up. She is my new favorite. How she has evolved from her s*x toy introduction.

Sarah Goes Home

Sarah tells Matt that she has to leave the show to be with her family, but also because she doesn't feel welcome in the house. She doesn't name names, but this is definitely going to cause problems next week.

Instead of letting her go home to her terminally ill father, Matt is like "noooo, please stay." Bruh. Thankfully, she has some sense and decides that it is best for her to leave.

I really didn't think she was going to actually leave. I don't think Matt did either. But she does, and he walks her out. Something tells me we haven't seen the last of her though.

Quotes of the Night

  • "Intimate. Sexy. Awkward."
  • "Sometimes you just let a b*tch go."

Nest time, they're bringing new women to the house (why??) and one of them might be an escort. I'll see you next week. Don't forget the wine.

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