"The Bachelor" Week 5 Recap: Bye-bye, Victoria

Queen Victoria's reign of terror is finally over. I'll pause so we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Okay, let's get started (~~I know I'm like two days late but I don't have cable I'm sorry~~).

Cocktail Party

Matt takes Katie's advice to heart and starts off the cocktail party by telling the women that they need to quit acting like they're in Mean Girls.

He pulls Anna aside first and she looks like she is about to sh*t herself. She tries to save face by crying and saying that she didn't mean to call Brittany an escort...even though she announced it multiple times to the entire house. Thankfully, Matt sees through it and sends her home.

Meanwhile, the other women start profusely apologizing to the new girls in the hopes that they won't share Anna's fate. Even Victoria tries to explain that her insults were just "taken out of context."

It's not enough though, and her conversation with Matt does not go well. She responds by throwing a temper tantrum that is a million times worse than anything I have ever seen from a three-year-old. Really not helping your case there, girl.

Rose Ceremony

Matt makes his side in the "OG vs. Newbie" debate clear by giving Brittany and Ryan the first roses.

And then...the producers finally allow him to send Victoria home. Instead of hugging him goodbye like a normal person, she straight up goes: "I'm sorry for you." And then storms off, proclaiming that she'll never date another Matt again. You dodged a bullet there, other Matts.

Lauren, Mari, and Catalina also go home.

One-on-One - Rachel

Matt takes Rachel on the one-on-one of every girl's dreams and gives her an unlimited designer shopping spree. And Serena P. had to eat Kraft cheese on a farm? The injustice.

To make matters worse, Rachel swings by the house in the middle of her date to drop off at least ten shopping bags in front of 20 enraged women. Are the producers trying to get her killed?

Rachel seems really nice though, and let's Matt know that she's falling in love with him at dinner. And he says it back, in what I think is the first meaningless love confession of the season.

Group Date - Farming

To make the pain from Rachel's shopping extravaganza even worse, Matt takes the women on a group date to a farm where they have to shovel poop and play with chickens.

The real drama happens back at the house, when Matt pulls MJ aside and confronts her about the bullying, saying that he's heard she's an "antagonist."

She denies the rumor and goes on a rant about how peaceful and harmonious she is, before running back to the house demanding to know who would have said such a thing about her.

Jessenia owns up to it, but before MJ can rip her head off, Matt comes in and gives Abigail the rose for actually being a decent person.

One-on-One

Matt invites Kit (who is 21?!?) over to his house to make cookies for like 20 minutes, and she opens up about the trauma she's experienced growing up rich with a famous fashion designer mother.

Matt is so impressed by her ~vulnerability~ that she gets the rose. I'm just here wondering why she's not being called out for bullying?? She was just as bad as MJ and Anna.

Two-on-One - MJ & Jessenia

Before the next rose ceremony, Matt needs to have a two-on-one with MJ and Jessenia to find out who is truly the antagonist.

But do we get to find out? No. The episode ends just as Matt walks in over a soundtrack that's more dramatic than Titanic's.

Quotes of the Night