Queen Victoria is still here, and I can't decide if I love to hate her, or just actually hate her. Maybe this recap will help me figure it out (I know I'm like two days late but I don't have cable I'm sorry).


One on One - Bri

Bri shows up to her one-on-one lookin' all cute, and Matt decides to promptly ruin her outfit by taking her mudding in ATVs.

Not only that, but at the end of their date, I think Matt flips their ATV over on purpose. Doesn't he know how dangerous these things are? Not. Cool.

Still, Bri takes it in stride, and they move on to the second part of the date, which...looks like the beginning of a '70s p*rno (not that I would know). Like, the producers are literally forcing Matt to chop wood...to power a hot tub...that is already running. He does look good though.

Anyway, after a long awkward silence in the tub, Matt decides to plant a kiss on Bri with the grace of a dead fish. She's impressed though, and they make it to dinner.

At dinner, Bri divulges that she was raised by a single mom. Matt is like "omg, me too." And then Bri reveals that her mom had her when she was 13. Matt can't really relate anymore and decides to make a generic toast to 'adventure.' What?

She gets the rose. Back at the house, Victoria gets upset at her roommate Marylynn for literally no reason and decides to sleep on the couch. I know this sounds really dumb. It is dumb, but it'll become relevant eventually.

Group Date - Wedding Photoshoot

There are *18* girls on this group date, and the producers have decided to go with a wedding theme again. Who thinks these are a good idea? I would like to talk to them.

The theme is that all of the girls have to wear these ugly wedding dresses and take pictures with Matt. Victoria is wearing a crown again and calling her photoshoot "the royal wedding." Gag.

Even Chris Harrison can't take it anymore, and he informs the girls that instead of taking pictures now, they'll be competing in an intense game of capture the flag, with the winning team getting more time with Matt.

The game is an absolute mess (girls are actually freakin' crying), but the red team wins and they head back to the resort for their Matt time.

Victoria won't stop trying to ruin the night, but thankfully, Lauren wins Matt over with an honest, mature discussion about what she wants in a lifelong marriage, and she gets the Group Date Rose.

One on One - Sarah

Sarah also shows up to her one-on-one lookin' cute, and Matt decides to ruin her outfit too by taking her flying in an old-a$$ plane with no windows. Why are all of these dates low-key terrible?

The end up back in the woods too (the producers' creativity is seriously lacking), and Matt gets annoyed that Sarah won't tell him her whole life story on the first date.

It turns out, Sarah actually has a really hard life story. She reveals that her dad is suffering from ALS, and that she had to quit her job to take care of him.

Matt handles the news well, offering to pray for her dad and asking her how he can be a better partner. Maybe the bar is just way too low, but I am impressed by this. Okay, Matt, I see you.

She gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Remember that Victoria-Marylynn drama? Yeah, it's relevant now.

Victoria, while wearing an outfit that looks like something out of my childhood dress-up closet, pulls Matt aside and tells him that Marylynn is "toxic" for making her sleep on the couch. I don't even think she made her sleep on the couch. Pretty sure Victoria made that choice on her own.

But Matt is somehow convinced, and he pulls Marylynn aside to see what's up. Marylynn denies everything, but goes to work things out with Victoria because she is a decent human being.

Victoria won't even let Marylynn sit next to her and shuts her apology down after about two seconds. Nothing is accomplished, when Chris Harrison finally puts us out of our misery and announces it's time for the rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony

We begin the ceremony with camera chats of the girls b*tching about how much they hate Victoria. She's not going home yet...this drama is sticking around until at least mid-season.

But, we don't even get to find out if I'm wrong, because Sarah sort of faints/falls off of the stage. There are gasps and panicked calls for a medic...I could be wrong, but I'd be willing to bet that she just needs a little more water and a little less booze. Still, that sucks, and I hope she's okay.

Anyway, the commotion is enough to cut the ceremony short, and we have to wait until next week to see who goes home.

Quotes of the Night: 

  • "Don't you feel like this is going to be your downward spiral?"
  • "I plan to go full-on bridezilla crazy."
  • "There's frosting on my boobs and this dress and I'm tired."
  • "We're like oil and vinegar."

Stay hydrated, Bachelor Nation. Until next week.

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