Welcome back, Bachelor Nation. The first episode of Pilot Pete's season has premiered, and it's time to dive in (I know I'm like two days late but I don't have cable I'm sorry).

ABC starts the season with a montage of Peter being a pilot, just in case we might've forgotten. This is going to be just like Hannah Brown's "Roll Tide," so I started counting how many pilot puns we'd have to suffer through in week one: 14 (numbers may be skewed on account of red wine).

We also got about five minutes of Peter's weirdly emotional parents and a clip of them attempting to salsa dance to remind us that Peter is ethnic.

Now, let's get started.

The Spotlights

Seven girls were featured before the limos to give us some extra insight into their lives. All we really learned was that most of them have daddy issues.

The Limos

Most of the girls actually had pretty normal introductions, which was refreshing but also kind of annoying. There were windmill references and one emotional support cow.

The real doozy was that Hannah Brown herself was the final girl to step out of the limo. Peter's jaw immediately dropped, but Hannah revealed that she was just there to wish him well and to return the pilot wings he gave her last season. Yawn.

The Cocktail Party

By the time we got to the cocktail party, every single girl was sufficiently hammered. There were kisses throughout the night, with one of them coming from Hannah Ann Sluss, a 23-year old model from Tennessee. She's clearly going to make it pretty far in the show, and everyone hates her for it.

Her tenacity paid off, though, and she got the first impression rose.

Rose Ceremony

This was probably the most boring rose ceremony in the history of all rose ceremonies. Everyone who you expected to stay, stayed. Kylie, Maurissa, Katrina, and five other girls whose names I've already forgotten were sent home.

Courtesy of The Bachelor Facebook page
Courtesy of The Bachelor Facebook page.

The Group Date

Peter and his two pilot friends decided to put the girls through a fast-tracked pilot school. During the vocabulary section, only one girl knew that there were 5,280 feet in a mile — clearly no one there's from Colorado, smh.

Next, they had to go in some sort of roller coaster contraption to make sure they don't get motion sickness. This led to one of the girls crying about how she's prone to motion sickness, retelling the "traumatizing" story of how she threw up on a tea cup ride...played over slow motion video of a tea cup ride with dramatic music. I died.

The real drama came during the obstacle course. Kelly (who Peter met before the show) and Shiann were vying for first place when Kelly cheated and won a sunset plane ride with Peter.

To make it even worse, they had their second cocktail party at the hotel where Kelly and Peter first met. The two reenacted their first meeting and made out a lot.

Kelly got the group date rose. Let's just say Shiann was bitter.

The One-on-One

Madison, a 23-year-old foster parent recruiter from Alabama, got the one-on-one. Peter took her to meet his parents (on episode one!!) to see them renew their vows. Peter's mom falls in love with Madison immediately and everyone cries.

After the vow renewal, Madison and Peter talked about how both of their parents have amazing marriages for an insufferable amount of time and she got a rose.

Hannah Brown Returns

The second group date is organized by — surprise! — Hannah Brown. Hannah spent five minutes talking about how she and Peter got it on four times in a windmill, and then explained that the girls will have to share their wildest hookup stories in front of a live audience.

This never happens though, because backstage, Hannah basically revealed to Peter that she might sort of still kind of be in love with him. She cried a lot and her entire face was covered in mascara by the end of the scene.

Peter was super conflicted because he is obviously still in love with her, but he also has to be the Bachelor. He's also still pretty bitter about Hannah choosing Jed and Tyler over him. Understandable.

Then, the episode ends, proving that Hannah will stick around for more than just to wish Peter well. Well played, Chris Harrison, well played.

Quotes of the Night

  • "He's like a buttery, flaky biscuit."
  • "My favorite color is like a strawberry. So, uh, the red one."
  • "If I get a rose I'm gonna twerk and eat all the cheese."
  • "My husband should want me to puke for them."

Well, there you have it — the entire three-hour premiere. Stay tuned for next week, when we'll see if Hannah Brown decides to stay on the show.

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