Hey everyone, it's me, your resident Tinder expert.

I didn't want this life. I didn't want to be so bad at Tinder that I'm good (actually, am I good at Tinder? I'm going to go with no)...but, honestly that's where we're at. After my most recent breakup, I hopped back onto the app, hoping that it'd at least be a teensy bit better...I can assure you, it's not.

Before you jump all over me in the comments, allow me to explain myself. While it's helped millions of people in the community find their 'swipe right for life' (for example, see the hashtag #ISwipedRight, it's...nice), it's remained relatively the same since its inception years ago.

And that means....it's time to update you in-love folk on what it's really like on the app.

1. For some reason, everyone is still non-stop fishing all the time.

There's so many fish pictures. I don't know if they're supposed to be a metaphor for some kind of slang term I was too nerdy to learn in high school, but I honestly just don't get it. FISH. AREN'T. SEXY.

Gib's NY Bagels in Fort Collins has a Tinder wall?
Gib's NY Bagels in Fort Collins has a Tinder wall?

2. Enough with the 'here's the last girl I dated' shot.

I don't know how many times I need to say this, but no one wants to see you with another girl. I'm jealous of her and I don't even know you yet. *Left swipe*

3. I'm not dating your dog.

Except actually, I wish I was, so maybe stop putting your dog as your first photo. All I'm thinking about is how much I'd rather just take that dog on a walk then take you out to dinner. Don't confuse my emotions like that.

4. Married couples are having the time of their lives

Let me tell you this little tidbit about Tinder: married couples are living it UP....and I hate it so much. Tinder is now half single people looking for hookups and half married couples looking for a third to "have some fun with", and honestly, get your wedding photo out of my Tinder feed.

2015 Coachella Valley Music And Arts Festival - Weekend 1 - Day 2
Matt Cowan/Getty Images

5. My favorite thing about your bio is....

Look, it's a positive part of the list! I have to call out this hilarious thing that guys do: they always want to include a picture of them with a small child in their profile, I assume to show their sensitive side. Then, though, to mitigate any premature swipes, they call out in their bio: 'NOT MY KID!!!' Dudes, I laugh every time. You holding a random kid who is in no way related to you is concerning, but funny regardless.

Tinder is just a fun dating app, and I still have it, so I can complain about it all I want but I don't think I'll get rid of it anytime soon. Married couples ask me often: What is it like? Is it like a game? Then, once I let them swipe for me for a few minutes, they usually throw my phone on the table and rush back to their significant other.

I'm keeping marriages alive, people.

What's your favorite/least favorite part about online dating? Tell us in the comments.

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