Nine Reasons You Should Be Terrified of the Geese in Fort Collins
Listen, we've all had one of these two different, but very similar encounters.
Scenario number one. You're driving down any random Fort Collins street when the cars in front of you abruptly stop for what you think is no reason. Turns out there's a flock of geese taking their sweet time to cross the road. People honk. Some people go around. You stop and smell the roses... er... geese, and appreciate the quiet solitude of the moment.
Scenario number two? You're trying to walk into your house, apartment or workplace only to realize you're on a collision course with a flock of geese who haven't noticed you yet. You speed up to try and beat them to the door. They've spotted you. They're charging now, furiously honking, hissing and collectively losing their proverbial #2 that you dared to enter their safe zone. You drop your latte and phone in a panic as you run back to the car.
It's ok. We've all been there. The threat is real. So let's review nine reasons you should be terrified of the geese in Fort Collins.
9. A goose named Suzie once bit me when I was a kid staying at my grandparents' house. It hurt, a lot. My uncle called me Suzie for the rest of his life, may he rest in peace. I still hate that name.
8. Reddit user u/nitroguy2 says they're actually government surveillance drones following all of us around. Seems legit.
7. Meanwhile, fellow Reddit user u/slowlanders claims the geese are actually Canadians here to steal our jobs. That seems more legit, eh?
6. Anatidaephobia is actually a real thing. Well, kind of. It's not, but comic artist Gary Larson made it up and makes a valid point.
5. Have you heard of a Spur-Winged Goose? They're basically a goose ready for a knife fight, and they know how to use it. And even better, they're poisonous to eat due to its diet of blister beetles. Apparently they leave behind what's called canthardin, which literally can kill a human if consumed. Brings a whole new meaning to the term "cooked their goose."
4. Goose poop. It gets everywhere and it may as well be Sharpie. You're never getting it off anything it gets on.
3. People call them "cobra chickens" and I really can't unsee that visual now, because it's so true!
2. Some idiot before you probably fed these geese, which makes them unafraid of you. You will share your Thai noodles with them or face their punishment, up to potential injury or worse. Must. Share. Noodles. Human. Honk.
1. This video on YouTube. There is nothing more you need to see.