I Hate New Year’s Resolutions

Every year I tell myself, “I’m not going to make some dumb New Year’s resolution that is just gonna be a distant memory in two weekends or less.” That would be a lie, though. Inevitably, December 30-ish rolls around and the next thing I know my social feeds are flooded with the classic New Year, New Me posts. All my friends are asking about how the New Year is going to be different, and out of nowhere I’m being held socially hostage to let people in on how I'm going to start the age-old quest for self-transformation. Ok, maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but maybe I’m not. Maybe you even feel the same way.

Regardless, I decided that if people around me were going to check up on me in late December, I was going to return the favor mid-February, when it actually matters. So, in typical blog fashion I have come up with my own comprehensive list for “How to Hassle the Friends Who Hassled You About Their Resolution Progress.”

When it comes to starting the conversation on resolutions, people can understandably be a bit squeamish in admitting their shortcomings, so you need to be as direct as possible when reminding said person you are not to be trifled with.

Once you have your subject good and primed, you really need to hammer home your point. One subtle “Oh shoot, ya just didn’t love getting up every day to run at 6 a.m. like you said you would a month and a half ago?” will really usher them into the state of self-reflection they have been trying to avoid.

My mom always said that “a little white lie never hurt anyone.” So as far as anyone is concerned, you made all your goals. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.

Once you have established your success, seal the deal with a classically, passive-aggressive “Hey, better luck next year.”

Once you’ve extracted their confession, you can sleep soundly. They may not be very happy with you, but you can thank me later when your subtle social heckler isn’t hassling you again in 10 months.

These hot takes are great for your next office party, night out with friends, or casual family meet up. Let me know in the comments below how your New Year’s Resolutions are holding up, or how your friends and family’s aren't!​