The Disease of Addiction–What’s It Really Like?

Addiction is the other side of the double-edged sword of life.

The bad side.

The good side of the sword cuts your cake. The bad side cuts your soul. Addiction feels like the hefty price I have to pay for the unbelievable beauty that I see.

A little while into my addiction, I realized that I was engaging in futile behavior that hurt me. Yet for a decade, I didn't stop. It made me feel stupid and helpless. I remember spending nights in a stupor, looking for alcohol, any kind of alcohol, in the fridge, and I knew it wasn't there.

In my addiction, I felt such euphoria and, in the end, relief when I was drinking that I thought I had found the spot that took me closer to God. It isn't a bad analogy to say that an addict getting their fix feels much like they are finding their way to God.

Since I was a drinker, God flowed down my throat. It was, I thought, as good a feeling as existed. A few years in, I would be physically uncomfortable most of the time. I either needed a drink because I was going to get the shakes, or I had the shakes because I had had too much to drink. When I was withdrawing, the first three beers and shots felt like the womb. No lie. I could be anywhere, doing anything, once I had a few liters of alcohol, I'd be in ecstasy.

In the end, the ecstasy was harder to find, but the pain wasn't. I was consuming alarming amounts of liquid. Forget the alcohol (which you can't and shouldn't, but for a moment, do), and just imagine drinking 15 of anything in one night.

I follow a simple plan of nutritional common sense. My rule is "Eat really healthy some of the times, pretty healthy most of the time, don't worry about the other times, and drink plenty of water." I believe that natural is probably better. I try to eat more plants than animals (don't always cut it on this one). I attempt to avoid intensely lab based stuff, except in very small amounts. So if I can't pronounce the ingredients or don't know what they are, I try not to eat too much of it. Let nature drive the van and scientists can help to keep it on the road.

It's a very common sense diet.

Except with the alcohol. I'd go through a big weekend, and drink 30 or more beers. From Friday to Sunday night. Seven to 10 beers on Friday, plus tequila. 20 on Saturday. 10 on Sunday.

I don't eat anything else in that ridiculous amount. Why would I do it with PBR?

Because I was an addict.

My age was advancing and I knew this wasn't sustainable. But for an addicted brain, there is a pull (see Master of Puppets). I promise you there is a pull, and it feels like nothing but my substance could make me feel so good.

I was wrong, but it felt that way for years and years. And it happened on a small level. Day by day. Week by week. Paycheck by paycheck. It became a story of maintenance. And since maintaining my buzz was more important than anything else, everything else suffered and things became unmanageable. Mine was a very mild case, and since another rule number whatever is "Attempt to not fucking bullshit yourself" I was able to nip it in the bud.

I was presented with a moment of clarity, and I seized it.

Some aren't so lucky, and ride their addiction right to their grave. With alcohol, it's fairly rare but it's still super sad to see. Most addicts plow forward in ill health, grow old somewhat or very painfully. Also sad, but life doesn't often resemble a Hollywood production.

I haven't had a drink for a long time, but my addiction is still a thing, so I'm interested to see what the American Society of Addiction Medicine has to say about their reclassification of addiction to a primary disease of the brain, and what trains of thought will come from that.

My addiction (see video) is only one of the kinds out there. Food and sugar are big ones that I don't think we're talking enough about, so I plan to delve into those. It goes along especially well with our effort toward health and breast cancer awareness month.