“The Bachelorette” Week 9 Recap: “What’s In the Box?!”

This week, we get to watch reality television contestants seriously discuss their emotional intelligence. Bear with me (I know I'm like two days late but I don't have cable I'm sorry).

Two-on-One - Noah and Bennett

The two-on-one resumes with Noah and Bennett bickering...again. Tayshia shuts that sh*t down and pulls Bennett aside for a talk.

She accuses him of questioning her integrity by bashing her decision to keep Noah on the show. Instead of apologizing up front, Bennett goes on a rant about emotional intelligence that is simultaneously the most pretentious and boring thing I've ever heard.

Tayshia is unimpressed. I am beginning to suspect that Bennett is a serial killer.

She then goes to talk to Noah, and he tells her all about the "emotional intelligence box." He starts crying and she kind of forgives him for being annoying but also reminds him that he shouldn't have run his mouth in the first place.

After learning about Bennett's psycho box, she sends him home. He tries to convince her to let him stay, and then leaves in the car smiling?! Definitely a serial killer.

Tayshia returns to see Noah chugging Tic Tacs with a huge smile on his face. She informs him that he shouldn't be happy because even though he sucks less than Bennett, he still sucks.

He doesn't get the date rose, but she says he can stick around until the rose ceremony. Nothing interesting really happens at the cocktail party so let's move on.

Rose Ceremony

After deciding to keep genitalia-sculpture Blake of all people, Tayshia sends Demar, Spencer, and Ed (thank the Lord) home.

Until this moment, I forgot Spencer existed. He did not do a good job with his First Impression Rose.

One-on-One - Ben

In this next installment of "How Can We Make This Hotel Interesting," Tayshia takes Ben on a scooter scavenger hunt.

At dinner, she forces Ben to open up to her, and I am actually shocked and impressed by his vulnerability.

He reveals that he previously suffered from depression and attempted suicide twice. It's clearly very hard for him to talk about, and I applaud Ben for shining a light on something so many people are struggling with (if you need to, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255).

Tayshia is sensitive to his story, and gives him the rose. Later, she tells the camera that she LOVES him. What?! It's so early for that. Did she mean it?!

Group Date - Lie Detectors

Tayshia decides to put the men to the literal test on their group date by putting them in lie detectors. JoJo is conducting the tests for some reason...is she qualified to read these? I think they're fake anyway.

Tayshia's test reveals that she's falling in love and regrets sending Bennett home, Noah misses his mustache, Brendan is not ready for his family to meet Tayshia, and Riley lies about his own name.

Oh yeah, and Zac C. reveals that he's cheated in relationships before. Dammit, I really thought he was gonna be a good one.

Post Group-Date

Tayshia immediately pulls Zac aside to confront him about his cheating butt. After a long dramatic pause, Zac reveals that he cheated on his sixth-grade girlfriend at a bowling alley.

Are you freaking kidding me?! Like okay, good for you Zac, but I was really expecting some drama here. Shame on me for falling for ABC's tricks.

Brendon reveals that he's only scared to have Tayshia meet his family because he's been divorced. They make up and make out.

Things get real when Tayshia goes to talk to Riley. He reveals that although his legal name is now Riley, he was originally named after his father, who he has a bad relationship with.

He cries, Tayshia is super sweet to him, he's super humble, and they should get married.

In the end, Tayshia says she likes everyone too much to give out a rose. At least she didn't give it to herself (ahem, Clare.)

The Return of Bennett

Just in case my serial killer suspicions weren't already high enough, Bennett ambushes Tayshia in her suite and says he basically can't leave her alone.

The Harvard grad starts off by calling their relationship a "world wind," and then falls on his knees apologizing. After that doesn't work, Bennett takes the manipulations even further and tells Tayshia he loves her.

Tayshia is confused about her feelings (girl...run!!) and tells him that she'll have to think about their relationship.

She remarks to the camera that she is impressed he "showed up" for her. Ladies. Raise your standards!!!

It looks like Bennett comes back next week because Tayshia is an idiot. Until then, Bachelor Nation.