Greeley, Colorado is Being Taken Over By Satanists and Terrorists!

Once a week my hometown newspaper, the Greeley Tribune, puts together what they call their Crime Log. Basically they find the weirdest sh** that the cops encountered, and believe me there is a lot, in the town over the previous week. This week we learned that the town seems to have a problem with evil people. 

Normally when I look at the Greeley crime log for the week I pick out one particular story, but this week almost all of them had something in common... Evil people, namely satanists and terrorists, who seem to be taking over the city that is supposed to be known for cow sh** and gangs. What's up Greeley??

-An employee at the Comfort Inn told police a guest had checked in three days ago and hadn’t been seen or heard from since. Employees checked the room and found some “very weird stuff, possibly demonic.” The caller wanted officers to check the room before they send more employees inside.

-A caller reported that a group of 8-year-old children were messing around with some cars, and a woman who lives in the apartment complex is accusing them of being terrorists and trying to blow up her car.

-A caller said someone had left a dead fish on the front porch. The caller said this is an omen for death and wanted officers to come to the home.

-A woman reported that her neighbor lets his cat poop in her flower pots.

-A caller’s 8-year-old son keeps lighting things on fire. The caller couldn’t convince the child that’s dangerous and wanted an officer to talk to the boy.

I am going to go ahead and assume that all this weird-ass behavior can be blamed on the dude doing those satanic rituals in his hotel room. He probably put a spell or something on the water in Greeley and it's causing these 8-year-olds to become pyros and terrorists and making other people make death treats with fish and cat sh**. That is the only way I can explain all this weird behavior.

All I know is, we better get this all cleaned up before Greeley is known as the next Watts, CA, South Bronx, NY, or Flint, MI!

See the rest of the Crime Log here.